My workload has been busy of late. A large project consumes my days and nights. PowerPoint is the tool of the enemy and it takes no prisoners. The only break from the onslaught of information overload came from a medical appointment I refused to reschedule – a colonoscopy.
Yes, I am of the age where a man should spend a day preparing for the invasive camera tube inspecting regions normally better left alone. If you know anything about the preparation phase, you are aware one’s diet changes inputs from solids to liquids and so does the output. What amazes me is the volume and frequency of the output.
If you are curious, feel free to purchase a bottle of anti-constipating liquid formula and drink it all within a 30-minute span. Be prepared to remain within five feet of a functional toilet for the next several hours as every bit of residue from age 2 is expelled from your body. Continue drinking clear liquids throughout the process to prevent dehydration and ensure a constant resupply of liquid to eject at regular intervals.
The next day is where the rest and relaxation comes to the forefront. Arrive at the appointment with an adult driver. Preferably one with a sense of humor and tolerance for bodily functions. Go into the medical area with its high, cold gurneys, thin sheets, and little privacy. Meet the attractive young nurse who asks you to undress and put on the famous backless hospital gown.
Get poked with needles until they succeed in starting an intravenous drip to hydrate and medicate you. Meet other nurses and staff hired from the local modeling agency and regret the vulnerable position you are in as you listen to other patients expel large amount of gas during their “recovery” phase. It gets worse as you realize that will soon be you behind a curtain releasing the air they inflate your innards with to allow smooth passage of the camera. Try to control your thoughts as you consider other attachments that may be on the camera tube. Cutters, lasers, air nozzles, and wonder how that will all fit up inside you.
Finally, after only brief moments have passed since you were stuck with needles, they wheel your gurney into the “Procedure Room” where the real fun will happen. Fortunately, this is where the next beautiful person comes in view. She is the anesthesiologist and has a special syringe ready just for you. She greets you warmly, and pushes the plunger to release the clear fluid into your veins through the IV port. Within mere seconds, sleep arrives.
I awaken in the curtained area where I began. The attractive young nurse is at my side, tapping my hand warmly. She greets me as I am certain she does to all the patients.
“Welcome back. Feel free to release the excess air. Don’t be shy. It is perfectly natural.” She moves away.
I hold it long enough to allow her to close the curtain once again before joining the cacophony of other body trumpet players in the chorus of recovery. It is then I realize my adult driver is sitting in the chair behind me. Sorry.
When was the last time you felt truly rejuvenated and energized? What made you feel that way?