Your blog is about to be recorded into an audiobook. If you could choose anyone — from your grandma to Samuel L. Jackson — to narrate your posts, who would it be?
My impulse is to rapidly identify who would not be my choices. Candidates range from authors, radio personalities, and actors. Let’s begin with the trash talk, shall we?
Definitely would not want:
- The actor who played Bane in the Batman movie, The Dark Knight Rises; especially not with the stupid mask over his mouth. His lines were unintelligible for much of the movie behind that grill. What was the director thinking?
- Radio host Glenn Beck. I had never heard his broadcast and made the mistake of downloading his self-read audiobook. His delivery method was to shout and get worked up over his writing to the point it was a continuous scream-fest. I quit listening to it in the first chapter. I still have no idea what his message is to this day.
- Author J.R.R. Tolkein. I know, his Lord of the Rings books are being turned into massive movie successes after his death. I heard an audio recording of The Hobbit where he actually sang some of the lyric poetry he included in his prose. It was the start of my aversion to authors reading their own works.
- Actor Keifer Sutherland (aka 24’s Jack Bauer). His range appears to be two tones. Whisper or shout. If you don’t believe me, watch a few episodes in quick succession. He goes from a low threatening whisper during an interrogation to an explosive shouting frenzy. The writers of the show also appeared to limit everyone’s options to a narrow path despite the almost omnipresent big government surveillance capabilities of the anti-terrorism unit. You could get drunk off the word only in each episode. “This is our only lead…” “This is our only option…” “We have to do this (despicable thing), it’s our only chance…” I hope to never write that poorly.
- William Shatner. I’m sure my first audiobook won’t be a perfect work. It doesn’t need to be further hindered by long………dramatic…(awkward)………stilted………pauses……in phrases that should roll off the tongue and keep the story moving.
- A Kardashian – pick one, any one. I don’t care. I don’t want my work associated with them in any way. Please get off the world stage.